Thoughtful

My Full Empty Sac

I finally resigned from a job after 16 years of hard work and much stress.  For many years I prayed that God provided an opportunity for me so I could leave.  I was working  12 - 14 hour days sometimes 6 days a week.  Because of this often I missed church and this placed a strain on my relationship with God.  However, I decided to be patient and obedient.  My new job opportunity came quite by surprise.  I did not apply, they contacted me.  What a blessing from God.  Within two weeks I started my new job.  Boy was I excited; life could not get any better.  But yes, it can, and it did.  I quickly found out I was pregnant, quite by accident.  Boy was I excited.  So excited that at seven weeks, I was looking for baby clothes online.  My husband and daughter were equally excited.  Our daughter went on the internet researching baby names  She came up the Jair which means he shines.

On May 15, I had my doctor's appointment for a checkup.  It was on this same date nine years ago I gave birth to my daughter.  For may reasons, I will never forget this day.  The doctor told me my sac was empty.  I asked what that meant in bewitchment and he said there is no baby in the sac.  I did not know what to think; for that matter I could not think.  The doctor said sometimes these things happen and to return in one week's time to have another ultrasound.  He stated sometimes you don't always see the baby so early.  He further told me not to get my hopes up too high because at that point I was also spotting.  I must say he was very compassionate and allowed me the time to compose myself.  I did not know how I would break this news to my husband and my daughter on her birthday.  I wanted to leave his office as quickly as I could but as fate would have it, I had to wait my turn to pay the bill.  I waited my turn and silently cried.

I tried to be strong, but on leaving the office, I just broke down.  My husband has been very supportive during this difficult time.  He was the one that broke the news to our daughter.  She is so strong and understanding.  I pray everyday that God will continue to bless her.  I had to wait a full week to hear what was going to happen next.  During this time I continued to bleed, and as the days went by, it got heavier.  My church was praying that all would be well, but I knew in my heart I was losing this child.  I think in a way I accepted that fact even before my return to the doctor.  My husband said I have given up, I did not have faith that God can turn this around and maybe wanted to use me to perform something special.  I don't know, it's not that I did not have faith, I just knew it was not to be.  

One week later I returned and the doctor, and he confirmed I was having a miscarriage.  At that point I was strong until he told me he prefers for nature to take its natural course and allow everything to come out on its own.  I was confused and angry.  How does he expect me to do this?  I wanted to get this over, but he insisted this was the best way. The next ten days were difficult, but I must say I had a sense of peace I can't describe.  All around me friends and family were concerned that I was handling this too well.  They were waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it never happened.  God has been my source of strength and even though I was disappointed, I know he was in control.  He has placed people and opportunities in my life to make me stronger.  When I told my new boss what was happening, he was very supportive.  It was at that point that I found out he was a Christian as well.  He quoted me scriptures that gave me strength and encouragement to keep the faith.  

This experience has brought me much closer to God.  On reflection maybe that was what God intended from the start.  Daily I still think about Jair and what he/she would have been like.  Nonetheless, he shines.  God is truly awesome.  My faith has been renewed, I am happy, have a fantastic family and belong to a good church.

Regardless of what comes my way, my sac was empty, but filled with God's grace and that is sufficient for me.

- Julie-Ann Sargeant